Did you say I’m sabotaging myself? Think again

written by The Inquiring Girl 26th March 2012

The Saturday Nation recently ran an article titled ‘Are you sabotaging your chances of finding love?’  On any other given day this is precisely something I would choose to skim over and swiftly deposit in the discard pile. Yet, it seemed to be a topic that frequently came up in conversation across the week. From friends and work colleagues to even eavesdropping in on two young ladies at Java.

Each discussion had the same air of self pity ‘well I guess the problem is me, why doesn’t he like me enough. Maybe I need to change the way I act / talk / think. Maybe it’s because I am too fat’.  And I am pretty certain none of these people are alone… most of you are nodding your head in agreement.

Does this not strike you as a counterproductive use of time; self pity never got anyone anywhere. When did we decide it was ok to give someone else the permission to make us feel bad? Is your self worth really determined by an 800 word article?

A random search online will get you more hits than YouTube views of Kony 2012 on all the possible reasons why you could be sabotaging your relationships. Are you a hyper rejecter?  No? Well then it must be the way you dress that turns people off – try red instead of grey. Not that either? Well then you are certainly far too successful and independent, which is off putting for the opposite sex.  Log onto Amazon and you will find 50,644 self help books analysing just what is wrong with you. But beyond that they will also conveniently claim to ‘fix the problem’ and lead you to finding a relationship. The quiz, the daily journal and hypnosis… it is all out there.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating that we go around thinking we are perfect. To get to where we want to be, we need to grow and learn from our mistakes. But the reality is we know what our faults are. Most of us choose not to want to listen to ourselves. If your last relationship didn’t work out chances are you know why. Maybe it was your fault and perhaps it wasn’t; but stop beating yourself up over it.  Reality is no one wants to be with someone who isn’t confident, happy and loving the life they live. We all want to be around someone positive and fun. You can go ahead and transform everything about you and do exactly as the books say but if you aren’t comfortable in yourself be sure that other people will not.  If you really think that you are fat then make a constructive weight loss plan to shed those calories. If you know that you have a tendency to push people away and are afraid of commitment, then change it.

So girls (and guys) stop looking for the negative and start focussing on the positive. Instead of spending the time talking over how much of a failure you think you are, focus on all the great things about you and work on improving just one weakness this week. I guarantee you will get a much better outcome from everyone including your friends and even strangers. Who knows, that guy you keep trying to attract at Java, might just ask you out on a date.

And for those of you who aren’t quite convinced (yet) or need a book to prove it, try reading How to get a Grip’ by Matthew Kimberley.

Your comments and tips are very welcome and appreciated… the more shared the better. I know you’re all out there, I just have no idea who you are! So post away and let’s get sharing

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