Years of drinking have led Jackson Biko to draw some pretty firm views on people based on their poison of choice, and surprisingly, in his view, beer drinkers out-rank the whisky buffs.
I don’t drink beer, obviously. This is mainly because I can’t stand all that belching and burping and constantly going to the boys room. At least that’s what I see from my friends. EatOut is hosting the first Beer Festival in Nairobi which should be great news and loads of fun for beer drinkers. If it’s anything like Octoberfest which I attended once in Germany, Munich, then brace yourself for what’s in store. Beer drinkers are generally louder than, say gin drinkers. I don’t like gin drinkers very much because they will never want to fight. Not for you, not for themselves. They are too upstanding, which is great but sometimes you have to fight or at least want to fight. The only time a gin drinker will show any form of emotion is if you tell them that they can’t have cucumbers with their gin. Vegetables seem to move their needle. Also, should a fight break out, be it in a festival, back alley bar or any place with booze, they will never rise up to fight or defend you. I don’t know if I want to drink with someone like that.
While gin drinkers are meek and can’t throw a punch even if you tickle their nostrils with a feather, vodka drinkers are not any better. First, you can’t kiss a vodka drinker after midnight if they have been drinking since 8pm. Second, most vodka drinkers will not tire out easily. They will go on and just when you think they are about to keel over they will say, “Do we have time for one more bottle? Yes, I think we do.” If you are married and your best friend is a vodka drinker, your wife will always ask you what you two have in common. Brandy drinkers will on the other hand rarely drink their alcohol from any glass other than a brandy glass. If you get the really obnoxious ones they will even call it a “snifter” not because they have to but just to annoy you. They are always smelling their drink. Always. It’s infuriating. I believe they call it “nosing.” Golly, they even have a name for it!
Rum drinkers hardly ever leave the house. They are gentle, though. I have a friend who drinks rum – Old Monk to be precise – and likes to cook. He also listen to strange music where people speak about revolutions and upheavals and taking up arms and meeting the enemy headlong. I wish they could meet the brandy drinkers headlong but being a rum drinker, he will hardly ever leave the house. I drink whisky. A good deal of my friends drink it. Whisky drinkers are exhausting. They think age is all the rage. That’s all they will want to talk about; 18 year old this and 25 year old that. They will share pictures of their bottles with the world. You don’t see drinkers of Bacardi sharing pictures of their drink online, do you? Nobody really remembers what vodka you are drinking. Whisky drinkers? Oh, flower girls; they love to be seen. Showboats.
So a beer festival full of beer drinkers seems like a riot. It will most likely be loud and boisterous. Mark my words, there will be more men per square meter in shorts in this festival than you will ever see in any festival. More men who drink beer wear shorts than men who drink whisky. It also doesn’t help that they have much better legs than whisky drinkers. You should see my legs – bowling pins.
For all the loudness at beer festivals, at least there is never a dull moment. There is always someone throwing up. Make that many people. There is always someone carrying his woman shoulder high like a trophy. Someone looking for their shoe. Someone tapping you on the shoulder asking if you have a nail cutter. Beer evokes a unique brand of madness. People who drink beer don’t hydrate, which means if you have a water stand you will sell two bottles – to the chap who came with his dog.