The Last Era of Whisky

written by Jackson Biko 12th February 2018

Jackson Biko has a very important time-sensitive message to share with everyone so make sure you sit up and listen.

Nobody knows this or will believe it but we are enjoying the very last era of whisky as we know it. Whisky is dying. The art of drinking whisky is also dying. Everything about the originality of whisky is dying. I’m telling you that in a few years time we will not be able to recognise our favourite whiskies after distillers decide to dress up its bottles in a frock. This is because distillers and marketers want everybody to drink whisky. But everybody can’t and shouldn’t drink whisky. In fact, we don’t want everyone to drink whisky. We only want people who want to drink whisky to drink whisky.

Now distillers – according to a story I recently read in the media – are introducing flavoured whiskies to cater for the “young adults and women.” Now you have whisky with honey. Honey for chrissake! Well, why stop there? Why don’t we also add some ginger and lemon into it? Stick an umbrella on it too. If they succeed – and looks like they are going to if a story by Eric Spitznagel in Men’s Health is anything to go by – “women and young adults” will soon be overheard in bars screeching at the barman, “Gimme that strawberry flavoured whisky!” To top this off, to add salt to this gaping festering wound, there will be hordes of “women and young adults” drinking whisky in water glasses.

There will come a time when we will miss these last days of whisky consumption when men and women would order whisky neat and not ask for a Fanta to mix it. When you didn’t need convincing with sugar to drink whisky. Watching people drink honey-flavoured whisky gives me a headache. Even when it only happens in my mind. One day we will wish for these good old days because one day, “women and young adults” will order whisky according to the colour of the bottle, or whether it has a picture of a banana or worse, a man in a locomotive. I always tell my friends who say whisky is harsh: “drink sweet red wine”. Or, even better, drink cider and let them stick a wedge of lemon on it. The general rule of drinking whisky, as I tell anyone who says whisky is not palatable, is that if you cringe and make a face while drinking it then it’s not for you. And that is absolutely fine by me.

I’m told that what we are experiencing now is a whisky revolution. Which means I’m thinking of stocking up on the “original” whisky before it’s infiltrated with fruits and honey. We are living in a dying era and we don’t appreciate it. We go about our businesses, waiting at traffic lights when the apocalypse is happening right before us. I say take arms and defend this heritage and culture. We will be very few when the time comes to defend the last of our bottles. We will be the last to defend the honour of drinking and even though we will perish under the marketers’ and distillers’ sinful indulgence with sugar and fruits, we shall be remembered as the last tribe that stood when everybody ran off with their silly long glasses and their honey filled drinks masquerading as whisky.

Consider yourself forewarned.

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